Inexcusable
by JackiLeigh
Summary: Tony is tired of Tim's and Kate's disrespect and makes a drastic, life-changing decision.


INEXCUSABLE

**AN: I have left Kate alive. Gibbs still left for Mexico. Tim and Kate gave Tony trouble during those 4 months. Director Shepard still offered Tony his own team. Tony still turned it down. Kate and Tony were in the container in "Boxed In." In other words Ziva never existed and Kate never got killed. I also gave Tony more education and changed other things to suit the story.**

Tony had never been so angry or so hurt in his life. He had left work early, leaving the encounter group meeting room and then the building. Tears were streaming down his face by this time, making it hard to see. He went straight home. He let himself in, ignoring the persistent ringing of his phone. He showered. He hoped the water would wash his tears and his anger away. Twenty minutes later he stepped out, after the water had turned cold. He was a lot calmer. And he felt like he was all cried out. He toweled dry, rubbing his hair dry as he thought about the day.

The day had started off OK. Gibbs had been back from Mexico for a few months now. All was right, well, not right with the world, but things were returning to normal. Then they had all had to attend an encounter group session. It was supposed to be a session were everyone told how they were feeling about work. Bring up things like how to do the menial tasks more efficiently, things like that. Tony had no idea it would turn into Dog-DiNozzo Day.

They had all had to attend, even Palmer and the director. They had all taken seats and everything went well, for the first 10 minutes, than all hell broke loose. Kate, Tim, and Abby had started talking about how big a tyrant and a bully Tony had been during Gibbs' absence. How he had strutted around, acting like Gibbs, talking like Gibbs, and giving head-slaps like Gibbs. Then Tim and Kate started saying the nasty, mean, vindictive things they had only previously been saying to each other, out loud. It was brutal to hear.

Tony had been too dumbfounded to speak. Palmer, knowing what Tony had been through, tried to defend him. Ducky took a wise course of action and only answered the questions he was asked. Gibbs had no choice but to be silent during the accusations. He had not been here to see how his team had operated. But anyone could tell by looking at him that he was ready to explode at the charges leveled against Tony. He would not have left Tony in charge if he had not thought Tony could do the job.

"You don't think Tony missed Gibbs too?" Palmer asked Kate, Tim and Abby. "I am sure you all know how close those two are. Tony was lost without him for those first few weeks. He tried to keep things together. He tried to make things seem normal. And normal around here is 'Gibbs in charge.'" Palmer paused. "He acted like Gibbs, hoping it would make you all not miss Gibbs so much and to make things a little bit easier on all of us." Palmer sighed. "It backfired, unfortunately. All Kate and Tim could do was make hateful, hurtful comments on a how bad a leader Tony was. They turned in sloppy, incomplete reports when they did them at all."

"How do you know all this, Jimmy?" Gibbs asked.

"I saw Tony here many nights, late into the night, working. He talked to me. He couldn't turn to you. You were MIA. He couldn't turn to Abby. She was suffering too and she was angry at him for playing you. Kate and Tim were being mean and vindictive. Dr. Mallard tried to be supportive, but he was dealing with his ailing mother. She was quite a handful, if you remember her visit here."

"Jimmy, you don't..." Tony replied.

"It needs to be said, Tony." Palmer countered. "He needed you, Gibbs."

Tony picked up where Jimmy had left off, talking to Gibbs. "You left me high and dry. Then you came back in one morning and took over your old desk like you had just been gone a week or had taken a vacation. It had been 4 months, Gibbs. I deserved the courtesy of a phone call."

"I owed YOU the courtesy of a phone call?" Gibbs said, his voice rising. He had not expected to be the focus and was very surprised by it. "I owed it to you! I. Owed. You!" Gibbs said, getting angry despite himself. "I gave you a well-oiled machine, DiNozzo. You couldn't even keep it going for 4 months. It is a good thing I came back when I did!"

Tony was deeply hurt by Gibbs' statement. He tried his best to hold back his tears.

Gibbs immediately regretted his words, seeing the depth of hurt in Tony's eyes.

"Yeah, Gibbs." Tony said, standing up. "It IS a good thing you're back. At least we all can agree on that."

Gibbs opened his mouth to speak, but Tony shook his head. Tony then turned and left the room. He didn't stop until he reached his own doorstep.

Gibbs hang up after what he guessed was the hundredth ring. He searched the building, though he knew Tony would not be there. Gibbs considered writing Tony up for having left early, but he dismissed the notion quickly. He knew that would only alienate Tony more. That was the LAST thing Gibbs wanted to do.

Everybody on Team Gibbs was glad it was Friday. After that disastrous meeting, it would give everyone a chance to calm down and by Monday morning, they would be ready to work things out.

NCIS NCIS NCIS NCIS NCIS

Monday morning came and at 9 a.m. sharp Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo entered the bullpen. He sat his backpack on the floor and his coffee on his desk. He was about to sit down when Gibbs' phone rang.

Gibbs listened or a moment, then hung up. "Dead sailor, Norfolk. Grab your gear. DiNozzo, gas the truck." Gibbs said as he threw the keys to Tony.

Tony caught the keys, picked up bag up again, and headed towards the elevator.

Gibbs waited for a few seconds, expecting Tony to object. When he didn't hear an objection, he looked up seeing Tony almost to the elevator doors. Gibbs thought it odd Tony didn't ask why. He always asked why. Why Probie didn't have to do such menial tasks, or why Gibbs had never asked Kate to gas up the truck. Truth be told, Gibbs knew how much Tony absolutely hated doing things like that. He just made him do it to torture him a little. Gibbs had even had his 'additional punishment' decided. He was ready for Tony, this time. Gibbs shook his head at Tony's unexpected action and headed towards the elevator.

Tim and Kate obediently followed Gibbs onto the elevator. They met Tony in front of the building. Tony was already in the passenger seat and he had left the engine running. The ride to the crime scene was quiet also. Each though, in their own way, was grateful for that. They all were reliving their vivid memories of the meeting Friday and didn't want to have another episode.

Ducky and Jimmy arrived at the crime scene about 10 minutes after Gibbs and the others. The scene was unusually quiet and Jimmy was the first to comment on it. "Dr. Mallard…" Jimmy asked, looking around the scene and not seeing Tony. "…is Tony sick today?"

"No, Mr. Palmer." Ducky said, pointing to Tony knelt down at a location a few feet away from the body. "There's Anthony."

Jimmy nodded and blushed a little. "Sorry, Dr., it's just so quiet. I thought he must have been sick."

Ducky nodded. "Understandable my dear boy, given the events of last Friday…."

Jimmy nodded and got back to work.

"DiNozzo!" Gibbs called to get Tony's attention.

Tony's head popped up. He bagged and tagged the evidence he had in his hands. He then stood up, stretched and walked over to Gibbs.

"Yes, Gibbs." Tony said addressing his boss. "Are you going to give me a reprimand for leaving early Friday? Or are you going to tell me I suck at being a Senior Field Agent, too?"

"No, Tony. No reprimand. …I'm sorry….." Gibbs started.

Tony turned and started to walk away, not letting him finish his sentence.

Gibbs reached out and grabbed Tony's arm.

"LET GO." Tony hissed through clinched teeth. "DON'T touch me."

"Tony…!"

"I heard enough from you Friday." Tony said, jerking his arm away and went back to collecting evidence.

Gibbs let him go. He had hoped Tony had calmed down over the weekend and would talk to him today. But it didn't look like that was going to happen. Gibbs would try again when they got back to NCIS.

NCIS NCIS NCIS NCIS NCIS

The ride back to NCIS was also quiet, as was the ride up in the elevator, too quiet. Tim and Kate were concerned. They had sneaked looks at Tony all day. But Tony didn't seem to notice. They also had exchanged looks with Gibbs and Gibbs seemed as baffled as they were.

Tony didn't act as though he was feeling bad. If fact, he didn't act as though anything was wrong. He just wasn't talking, very strange for a man who normally talked a mile a minute.

They each sat at their respective desks and silence descended once again until Kate spoke up.

"Tony?"

"Yes, Kate." Tony said, not looking at her, but at his computer screen as he typed his report.

"Are…are you feeling OK?" Kate asked, rather timidly.

"I'm fine, Kate." Tony said, but she could tell that there was a lot of anger behind his words.

"You're angry." Kate stated.

"Shouldn't I be?" Tony challenged.

"I'm sorry."

"Sorry isn't good enough, Agent Todd. It's not good enough." Tony voice rose slightly. "You didn't think I was qualified to be team leader. And you don't think I am qualified to be Senior Field Agent. I know that I was just a beat cop when I started here. We are a dime a dozen. You, Ms. Secret Service, and Mr. MIT over there…" Tony said, thumbing his finger at McGee. "…don't think I deserve to have this job. I am not smart enough and I, sure as hell, am not 'special' enough." Tony said, adding the air quotes.

"That's not fair, Tony." Kate said. "And you never call me Agent Todd."

"Get used to it." Tony retorted to Kate's statement about being called Agent Todd.

McGee said, chiming in. "I have never said ANYTHING like that to you."

"You didn't have to, McGee." Tony said. "But I suggest, when you have the time, visit the Harvard Alumni page. You might be surprised."

"What?" McGee asked shocked, even as his fingers flew over his computer keyboard, typing in 'Harvard Alumni.'

Tony got up and left the bullpen. Gibbs followed. He didn't need to see the alumni page to know what Tim and Kate would find. He had read it all in Tony's personnel file.

The Harvard Alumni page popped up seconds later. McGee put it on the plasma and typed 'DiNozzo' into the search box at the top right hand corner of the page. Anthony 's face appeared seconds later.

Both Tim and Kate got up from their desks. They both stood dumbfounded in front of the screen as Tim read his findings aloud. "Tony pursued dual majors and graduated at the age of 25 with a Bachelor's Degree in Psychology and a Bachelor's Degree in Criminology. He minored in music, receiving a Bachelor's Degree in that also. His gpa was 3.3. He has since at the age of 30 received his Master's in Criminology and is currently pursuing his doctorate. For fun, he sings and plays guitar and keyboards in a band called "Terminal Force" with his former Harvard roommate Fox and several close friends."

Tim fell silent and he and Kate just looked at each other, speechless.

"Tony." Gibbs said.

Tony stopped. He turned and looked at his boss. He knew Gibbs had followed him when he left the bullpen. He just wasn't sure he wanted to hear what Gibbs had to say.

"Not now Gibbs! Just…not now." Tony said, waving him away. Tony headed for the restroom and Gibbs headed back to his desk.

NCIS NCIS NCIS NCIS NCIS

Tim, Kate and Gibbs believed the day had just been a fluke. Even thought Tony didn't look sick or act sick, he must have been because he is never one not to talk. They were proven wrong though because the next few days were as silent as the first. Tony answered questions, only when asked. He made no movie references, and he didn't call McGee, Probie. In essence, if it wasn't about work Tony didn't talk about it.

Kate and Tim followed Tony out of the office one day. He entered the elevator and they came in right behind him. Tim flipped the off switch.

"What is going on with you?" Kate asked.

"Nothing." Tony replied.

"I try to talk to you about Harvard. About all we found out on the Harvard website and you won't talk to me." Tim stated.

"You are never a person who is short on words, Tony." Kate added.

"You don't like to be called 'Probie.' I stopped calling you 'Probie.'" Tony said, addressing McGee. "You hate the sexiest and 'stupid' stuff I say, and all the movie references. I stopped saying all that." Tony addressed Kate and then paused. "I don't understand the problem. "

"You don't talk." Kate said.

"I talk about work." Tony said. "What else should I talk to my co-workers about?"

"Co-workers?" Tim asked. "Is that all we are to you?"

"The friend thing isn't working out too well, Agent McGee." Tony replied. "Neither of you respected me when I was Team Leader and you don't respect me now as Senior Field Agent. You don't take my seriously because I tried to be your friend. I tried to joke around with you and act like I do with my friends. But we're not friends, we're co-workers. That's where I made my mistake. If I had kept my relationship with the both of you strictly professional, I wouldn't be having this problem right now.

"Tony?" Kate said, not believing her ears. "This is not what I wanted. I am sure this is not what Tim wants."

"No, it's not." McGee confirmed.

"That fact remains you challenged my decisions as Team Leader. You flat-out refused to follow orders. You berated and belittled me. You both wanted me to act professional. I don't know HOW many times I have heard you say that, Kate. Well, you've got it." Tony went over to the panel and flipped the switch. They all rode the few seconds down to the parking garage in silence. Tony then stepped off the elevator with both of them staring after him. He turned. "And to answer your question, the Harvard stuff is personal; I don't talk about personal things with people who are just co-workers." He turned and continued to his car, got in and left.

Tony knew Tim and Kate had been staring at him. He knew he had surprised and shocked them. And to be honest, he hoped it hurt them. He hoped it give them even a little taste of the pain he had been feeling the last few days. He also knew he would be talking to Gibbs in the morning about what he had said to Tim and Kate.

Tony's words had stung, just co-workers. Tim and Kate were shocked. Tim informed Gibbs of the conversation he and Kate had had with Tony.

NCIS NCIS NCIS NCIS NCIS

Tony walked in to the bullpen as Tim and Kate were talking about a movie they had both seen the night before. Tony walked over to his desk. He put his backpack on the floor in its customary place. Then he sat down and powered up his computer. He opened the file of the case he had been working on the day before and started to type, still ignoring the discussion Kate and Tim were having.

Suddenly the talking stopped. Tony raised his head when he felt eyes on him.

"What do you think, Tony?" Tim asked. Tim was still getting used to this 'new' Tony. They had never had to ask for his opinion before. He usually freely offered it, whether it was truly wanted or not.

Tony looked over at Tim, and then he looked at Kate. "You two were having your own conversation when I came in. I wasn't listening."

"It was about the newest movie release…." Tim said, goading Tony.

"Yeah…so?" Tony asked.

Tim and Kate just stared at him.

"You weren't talking to me." Tony explained.

"DiNozzo! Elevator!" Gibbs said when he came into work. He arrived promptly at 9 a.m. and didn't even sit his coffee down. He and Tony just went immediately onto the elevator.

Gibbs didn't speak until the doors had closed. He then flipped the switch.

"Which one of them called you?" Tony asked.

"McGee." Gibbs answered. "He was very upset with what happened between the two of you."

Tony stood mute.

"He said you told him you were no longer friends, just co-workers." Gibbs stated.

Tony nodded.

"You're throwing away years of friendship…." Gibbs started.

"We were never truly friends, Gibbs. Kate doesn't really like me. McGee doesn't either."

"Tony!" Gibbs said, not believing what he was hearing.

"You've heard the things Kate has said to me. She STILL brings up the case with the he-she. She is constantly talking about my inheritance, even though she KNOWS it is a sore subject for me. Anytime anything comes up about money, in any shape for form, she ties it in to me. And the references are never nice. She is always making hurtful, vicious jokes." Tony paused. "Tim is not ANY better. When he is not rubbing his 'Smarter Than Thou' MIT education in my face. He's talking about how he would do a much better job at the undercover work that I'm involved in. He got a big laugh over me being Professor Anthony DiNardo. He thought that was hilarious. Anytime I try to tell them anything about my childhood, I get 'poor little rich kid.' Those are not actions friends would engage in. Friends would not see you down and start kicking. They would help you up."

"That's not how things are, Tony." Gibbs explained.

"That's your interpretation. But you don't see what I see. You don't have agents questioning your every decision. You don't have agents defying your orders. You know how dangerous that is in the field. It can get someone killed." Tony paused again. "Then, of course, I have you telling me it was a good thing you came back when you did."

Gibbs opened his mouth to speak and Tony put his hand up to be allowed to finish.

"Because who knows what would have happened to your team if I had been left in charge any longer." Tony's tone was extremely sarcastic, but he didn't care. "Do you have any idea how much it hurt to see you sitting there at your desk when you came back without warning. You dumped my stuff back on my old desk and took over like you had only been gone for a week or two or on vacation. It was like all my work, all my effort didn't mean anything because Gibbs was back. They could put up with whatever I had thrown at them because you were back and things would be like they should have been all along." Tony leaned against the wall. "There was one good thing though. At least I didn't have to look at your face on Abby's screen saver everyday. You said you were my family. I used to look at you as a father figure, Gibbs. But as it turns out, this family is just a screwed up as my real one." Tony looked Gibbs in the eye. "I don't need that Agent Gibbs. I really don't. The only difference between you and my real father is my real father physically beat me. But it doesn't matter, because it hurts just the same."

"Tony…." Gibbs started.

"If there is one thing I have learned, Gibbs. You let people into your life. Let them know things about you, get to know you, they will turn around and hurt you. It never fails. I let you, Kate and Tim in, look what happened."

"What about Abby, Duck…?" Gibbs started to ask.

"They have never used the things I have said to them against me. They never used my actions against me." Tony moved to stand beside the elevator control panel. "I was hard on Tim, because I knew he needed it. He needed it to be able to see dead bodies in horrible conditions and not run away screaming. His computer background didn't prepare him for that." Tony looked Gibbs. "He also needed it to be able to deal with you. And Kate…" Tony sighed. "Kate was just too serious. She needed to lighten up a little. She needed to take herself a lot less seriously to do this job effectively. I thought I was helping them, both of them." Tony shook his head. "I guess I was wrong." He flipped the switch and turned away from Gibbs towards the door, signaling the end of their conversation.

NCIS NCIS NCIS NCIS NCIS

Days had passed since Tony's and Gibbs' conversation in the elevator.

Gibbs had gone home the night of their conversation and cried. He actually cried, something he had not done since Shannon and Kelly died. He had lost his son and he grieved the loss just like he had his daughter's. He also grieved the loss of closeness of the member of his team. He was glad they had all been friends. It makes things easier to work with people who you have a close personal relationship with. Gibbs knew from what Tony had told him that Tony no longer felt connected to him, Tim or Kate. He doubted Tony would allow them to get close to him again.

In his mind Gibbs went back over the years they had spent together, the times in his basement. The times Tony had stayed with him. The talks they had had. The times he had thought he would never see Tony alive again. And he grieved more.

Gibbs had seriously debated telling Kate and Tim what Tony had said in the elevator concerning the two of them. He knew Tony wouldn't care either way. Gibbs didn't want to cause anybody anymore pain. But he felt they both needed to know where they stood with Tony. But most of all, he wanted to spare Tony the pain of having to rehash it all again. Gibbs finally understood the depth of Tony's pain over all that had happened. He was determined to spare Tony any more pain even though he knew he himself was the one who had disappointed and hurt Tony more than Kate or Tim ever possibly could have.

Gibbs told Kate and Tim exactly what Tony had said. They both explained to Gibbs the reasons for their anger. Neither had really been angry at Tony. They had wanted and intended to tell Tony that. But things had not worked out the way they had hoped. Tony had felt betrayed and unappreciated. That was not at all how they had wanted things to turn out.

NCIS NCIS NCIS NCIS NCIS

Gibbs his phone rang. He answered it on the second ring and hung up a moment later. "Grab your gear!"

Fifteen minutes later they pulled up in front of a small, unassuming house in a Norfolk suburb. Three minutes after that the house was in flames. There were 3 figures lying unconscious in the yard and a fourth was missing.

The house exploded the moments after Tony stepped onto the porch. The windows blew. The door blew outward hitting Tony just as he turned. It knocked him off the porch and onto the ground. Seconds later the porch roof fell in. Gibbs, Kate and Tim hit the deck as soon as the windows exploded, and except for some cuts and scraps they were fine.

Tim was the first to make it to his feet, albeit unsteadily. He looked around and saw Kate and Gibbs. They were both getting to their feet and looking around also.

"DiNozzo!" Gibbs yelled.

There was no response.

"DiNozzo! Tony!" Gibbs demanded.

There was still no response.

They all three seemed to notice the collapsed porch at the same time, and remembering where Tony was when they last saw him. They all ran the short distance across the yard, ignoring the house in flames in front of them.

"Tony!" Tim called. "Talk to me, Tony!"

Tony had been standing on the porch when the house blew. He was now lying at the foot of the stairs. He sat up slowly rubbing the back of his head. He looked around him, his vision was doubled and everything was blurred for just a moment and his back was aching. He shook his head and stood up slowly as his vision cleared. "Right here!"

Ducky and Jimmy pulled up at that exact moment. They were in time to see Gibbs, Tim Kate and Tony stand up and brush themselves off.

"Jethro…?" Ducky asked as he exited the van.

"Everybody's OK, Ducky." Gibbs explained looking around and seeing that his entire team was accounted for. "I can't say the same for our crime scene." Gibbs said, staring at the flames still coming out of the windows.

"I'll hang around and talk to the firemen, Jethro." Ducky said as the fire trucks pulled into the yard. Team Gibbs retreated to the car and sat and waited while the firemen worked.

Ducky spoke to the fire chief for a few moments and then walked over to Gibbs' car. "There are two bodies in the house. The chief said the structure is sound enough for you to enter, but it would not be cool enough until tomorrow morning."

Gibbs nodded. "I thought that would be the case. I have already called and gotten security detail for tonight."

Ducky nodded his understanding and turned back to the NCIS van where the firemen were helping Jimmy secure and load the two bodies.

Tony was quiet on the ride back. He had sat in the front beside Gibbs and tried to look out the window, but the moving scenery was making his nauseous. He closed his eyes, instead and leaned his head against the window, wishing his headache and nausea away. He tried to stifle a groan as he moved slightly to try to get comfortable in the seat.

Gibbs noticed. "Tony, are you OK?" Gibbs asked, touching Tony's arm.

Tony turned his head to Gibbs and nodded when he felt Gibbs touching his arm. "I'm fine." Tony turned his head back to the window and leaned against it.

Gibbs pulled into the Navy Yard and parked the car into his accustomed spot. He stole a quick look at his senior field agent before he got out of the car.

Tony got out of the car slowly. He stood and grabbed hold of the top of the door for just a moment to steady himself. He did manage to stifle the groan this time as his back protested the movement. He then grabbed his bag and followed Gibbs, Kate and Tim into the building.

Tony managed to sit down in his chair at his desk and not fall into it. In his condition, this was no easy feat. He turned on his computer and began to type his report. He had been working a few moments when he noticed eyes on him. He looked up at Tim. "What is it, McGee?"

"You're bleeding." Tim stated and got up from his desk.

"What?" Tony asked, looking around for a mirror. He settled for the back of a CD inside and studied his face in the reflection. He did have a thin line of blood coming from his right temple. Tony stood up and headed for the bathroom. But first he grabbed the first aid kit that was stashed in his file cabinet.

Tony returned minutes later. He had washed his face and had a bandage on his forehead. He sat down again at his computer and pick up where he had left off on his report.

Tim hadn't even realized Tony had come back until he looked up and saw Tony sitting at his desk typing. This was not how Tony previously would have acted. Tony would have gone on and on about having a massive head wound. He would have wanted it to be attended to. Tony never opened his mouth about his current injury. He just sat typing his report. Tim stole another glance at Tony before he continued on with his work and turned his attention back to his computer screen.

"DiNozzo." Gibbs said, noticing the bandage. "Are you OK?"

"I'm fine, Gibbs." Tony said, looking up at Gibbs when he heard his name, then turning his attention back to his report.

This time Kate looked up. She too expected Tony to want to be doted on. But it didn't happen. Kate shook her head and got back to work.

Meanwhile, Tony's head was hurting badly. His back was too. He hadn't realized his back was in such bad shape. He couldn't imagine how black and blue it must look, but if his pain was any judge, it was horrible. The nausea had not gone away, and if he moved his head too rapidly. The double vision occurred. He stood up slowly. He tried not to draw attention to himself. He decided he would go to the bathroom and splash a little cold water on his face. Then, as he got nearer the elevator, he changed his mind. He pushed the button and then, once inside he pushed the button for Ducky's floor.

Kate noticed Tony getting on the elevator. "Gibbs, where is Tony going?"

"What do you mean, Kate?" Gibbs asked.

"Tony got on the elevator." Kate explained.

"Ducky didn't call us, neither did Abby." Gibbs said, getting up from his desk and heading for the elevator. He had been watching Tony closely. Tony's color had not been good and Gibbs had gotten concerned when Tony didn't act like he normally did when he was injured. "Kate stay here. Call if he comes back. McGee, go see Abby. I'll go see Ducky."

The doors opened and the actual little ding of the bell sounded loud and painful in Tony's ears. He took a tentative step and then hesitated for a second, unsure if he could take another. He was glad the morgue was just steps from the elevator. He took another step as the autopsy doors slid open. He then fell to his knees and collapsed to the floor just as Ducky and Jimmy looked up to see who was about to enter.

Ducky ran to Tony's side. "Mr. Palmer, call 9-1-1." He knelt beside Tony and automatically felt for a pulse, even though he could tell Tony was breathing. "Anthony!" Ducky said as Jimmy, who had made both calls in a matter of seconds, helped Ducky roll Tony onto his back. "Anthony!" Ducky said again, lightly slapping Tony's face to get a response. There was none.

"Something must have happened this morning at the crime scene." Ducky surmised. "I think, Mr. Palmer, I saw a knot on the back of Anthony's head before we turned him over." Ducky said, gently raising Tony's head off the floor and feeling for bumps and bleeding. His hand came away clean, but Tony had a huge bump on the back of his head. Gibbs exited the elevator at Autopsy just in time to see Ducky shine a penlight in Tony's eyes. Gibbs grabbed his phone, flipped it open and called Tim and Kate. He informed them of Tony's current location.

"What happened?" Gibbs asked watching Tony lying motionless in front of him.

"Mr. Palmer and I looked up to see who was entering autopsy when we had heard the doors opening. The next thing we see is young Anthony on the floor unconscious." Ducky paused. "Jethro, Did Anthony…?"

The EMTs appeared just then, interrupting Ducky's question. Ducky told them of his finding as they did their own preliminary exam. They then loaded Tony onto a stretcher and were gone in moments.

"What were you about to ask me, Duck?" Gibbs asked.

"Did Anthony get injured at the crime scene?" Ducky inquired.

Gibbs automatically shook his head at first, but then he thought about it. "He wasn't acting right in the car. He was leaning his head up against the car window. He didn't say much, but then, he doesn't these days. He seemed a little unsteady on his feet. But he didn't complain." Gibbs said, feelings of guilt creeping in. Had Tony been badly injured? Had he missed it somehow? "He always tells us. He goes on and on about paper cuts, surely…."

"Things have changed, Jethro." Ducky reminded him. "Anthony has a big lump on the back of his head. His eyes…" Ducky paused. "…I checked his eyes. There could be brain damage."

"You can tell something like that by looking at a person's eyes?" Kate asked, baffled.

Ducky nodded. "It doesn't tell certainty, it tells possibility." Ducky explained.

Gibbs, Kate and Tim nodded their understanding, their minds each racing with the possibilities.

"We cannot loose him, Gibbs. As bad as things are between us, we cannot loose him." Tim said.

Tony was found to have a concussion which was what had caused his headaches and his nausea. He was kept overnight for observation and then released, in the morning. Tony took the rest of the day off and was back at work the next morning.

Tony joined the rest of Team Gibbs at the sight of the explosion days before. The structure was now cool enough for the team to enter and they spend 3 hours collecting many pieces of burnt and chard material.

Gibbs kept a careful eye on Tony. He didn't want Tony to pass out and to be completely honest. He felt he should have taken Tony to the hospital after Tony had gotten into the car and started acting funny. Gibbs was grateful Tony didn't have brain damage, of course, thinking back to the comment Ducky had made after the EMTs had left with Tony. But he also knew that whole scene could have been avoided if he had just taken Tony on to the hospital to begin with.

"DiNozzo." Gibbs said, standing up straight and stretching as he beckoned his Senior Field Agent.

"Yes, Boss." Tony answered as he crossed the room to stand in front of Gibbs.

"Why didn't you tell me you were hurt?" Gibbs asked his tone irritated. "Why did I have to hear about your symptoms from the ER doctor? Why didn't you tell me you weren't feeling good?" Gibbs paused. "You go on and on about paper cuts, Tony. I don't get it."

Tony looks at Gibbs and moment and considers his answer before he speaks. "I talk to you. I get, Suck it up, Marine. News flash, Gibbs, I'm not a Marine. Never was one, never wanted to be one. I tell Kate, she calls me a winey baby, and tells me to get over it. Then, of course, there's McGee. I tell him and I get told to stop milking my injuries, that it's not that bad."

Gibbs just stared at him, mute.

Tony then offered examples. "When Kate and I were in that container and I got shot in the arm. Kate called it a scratch. Tim told me to get over it and quit begging sympathy." Tony paused again. "Scratches don't take 10 stitches to close, Gibbs. When I had the plague, I was terrified that every time I closed my eyes I might not wake up again. I was afraid to sleep, Gibbs. I didn't want to die. Do you know what that feels like? Do you have any IDEA what that feels like? Do you know what it feels like to try as hard as you possibly can to take in a breath and not be able to do it? Do you know what it feels like to be too weak to cough? I didn't know that was possible, Gibbs. I didn't know it took any strength to cough. But it does, apparently it takes a lot. I felt like I was drowning in the ocean, except I was on dry land. There was all this 'air' out there. I was surrounded by it. But my body, my lungs were working against me and wouldn't let me have any of it."

Kate and Tim had joined Gibbs and Tony by this time. Tim opened his mouth to speak, but Tony silenced him.

"And besides ALL of that, I was too weak to move. I was too weak to speak. That was a horrible time for me. Foolishly, I thought I could talk to my friends. I could make them understand how things were for me. All I got from them was that they were tired of hearing about me having the plague. They talked like I should just get over it. That it was just the plague."

"I didn't know you had to have stitches, Tony. Honestly, I didn't." Tim stated. "I am sorry. And I'm sorry for not listening to you when you needed me to, Tony. I really am."

"I don't know what to say, Tony." Kate replied. "I am so sorry for hurting you. I never meant to do that."

Tony shook his head. "It's too little too late for apologies. I've had to learn to accept that there are people who don't care who they hurt. I have also learned that there are some things that cannot or refuse to be forgiven or forgotten. There is nothing that can be done to fix it. I only bring it up as an example. Like my humiliation with the He-She that Kate likes to bring up whenever the mood strikes her. It happened too long ago. Some wounds won't heal and then some get close to being healed and then get ripped open again." Tony said, looking at Kate.

"Tony, I.." Kate started.

Tony shook his head. "No, Agent Todd. No, 'I'm sorry.' It won't help."

Kate shook her head, but didn't speak. She tried to hide the fact she had started to cry.

"Tony.." Gibbs said.

"Nothing's changed, Agent Gibbs, nothing. Everything I told you in the elevator, I still believe. I am just adding this, making you aware of it. You wonder why I don't talk anymore. Why would I waste my time talking to people who don't give a damn what I think, how I feel and could care less what I have to say?" Tony turned away and walked to the bin where they were putting collected evidence. He dropped his evidence in, took off his gloves and walked out of the house.

Kate, Tim and Gibbs stood stunned and staring after Tony as he walked out the door. Wishing that they could say what Tony had said hadn't been true. Unfortunately, they could not.

Tim picked up the evidence box and they each gathered the rest of their equipment before they exited the building.

Tony opened the back door and climbed in. He leaned his head against the window and closed his eyes. He was asleep when they finally pulled into the Navy Yard. Tony opened his eyes when he felt the motion of the car cease. He grabbed his backpack, he had stashed on the floor between his feet, slung it over his shoulder and headed inside. He made a beeline for his desk. He sat, turned on his computer and began to type his report.

All was silent in the bullpen for another hour, each working diligently on his report. Kate broke the silence. "Talk to me, Tony." She pleaded.

Tony looked up at her and smiled. "How many years, Kate, years have you wished I would just shut up, not talk so much?" Tony asked. "You got your wish and you're still not happy."

"I'm not happy with the way it happened, Tony." Kate stated. "I'm sorr..."

"I'm sorry won't fix this, Agent Todd. This has to do with trust. You and Agent McGee don't trust me. You don't respect me enough to follow my orders." Tony explained. "We were lucky out there, Kate. Lucky one of us, all of us, didn't get killed because you two hesitated to do something I told you to do." Tony paused, looking at both Kate and Tim. "I have reasons for telling you to do things. I know more about a given situation than you do. I make my decisions accordingly. I didn't and don't have to explain my decisions. The people working under me need to trust and respect me enough to know I am making the right ones. You two, obviously, did not."

Tim opened his mouth to speak.

"I don't care what you have to say Agent McGee." Tony replied. "It won't change anything." Tony then stood up and headed toward the head. Tim waited about 10 minutes and went in after him. Tim stepped into the room and stood silently as he watched Tony wash his hands.

"What?" Tony asked drying his hands and dropping the paper towel into the trash can. "Will you at least listen to what I have to say?" Tim pleaded.

"I have listened to you. I listened to you for 4 months. I listened to you question my authority and belittle my intelligence." Tony paused. "I think I have heard plenty."

"Tony..." McGee started.

"Besides, that will be the last time it will ever happen." Tony said, opening the door and walking out of the restroom.

Tim followed close behind him. "What does that mean?"

"That means that the next time Gibbs leaves, goes on vacation, takes a day off, I won't be in charge." Tony replied.

"What does that mean, Tony?" Tim asked again.

Tony didn't answer; instead he sat down at his desk, opened a new computer file and began typing.

Tim took his desk. He was very confused. He kept glancing over at Tony and at Gibbs trying to figure out what Tony meant. If Tony was not going to be in charge when Gibbs had vacations, leaves, etc., who would be?

Tim cast a confused glance at Kate a couple of times. She returned it, not knowing what Tony had said to Tim that had caused Tim's confusion.

Gibbs broke the news to Kate and Tim the next morning. Actually it was a Monday morning.

Gibbs strode into the office past Tony's desk, no wait, Tony's former desk. He was going to have to get used to that. Besides in a few days someone new would occupy that desk. Someone, Gibbs hoped, he had not made a mistake in choosing from all the candidates, Director Shepard had offered him.

"Where's Tony?" Kate asked as she put her coat and her purse down at her desk.

"That is what I need to talk to the two of you about." Gibbs said, he said to Tim and Kate. Tim had arrived about 10 minutes before Kate had and had already started on his field report, left over from Friday.

Gibbs had been debating how to break the news all weekend. He had talked to Tony for a long time Friday evening. They had eaten pizza and talked about Tony's options. Gibbs was understanding of Tony's need to move on. But he would still miss Tony more than he would ever admit. He would just tell them straight. Sugar-coating this would not make it easier to take. "For the past two weeks Tony has been working out his notice. His two weeks were up Friday. Director Shepard offered Tony his own team. He took her up on her offer."

Gibbs paused when he saw the look of surprise on Tim's and Kate's faces.

"Will he be here in D.C.?" Tim asked, afraid Tony was moving away to California or Mexico or something like that.

Gibbs nodded much to Kate's and Tim's relief. "He is taking over Chris Albert's team. Chris is accepting a promotion to another field office."

Tim and Kate nodded their understanding. Tim thought back to the conversation he had had with Tony when he had made a snide remark about Tony not being there if he had been offered his own team. Tim now realized that it could have been true. Maybe the Director had been searching for a team for Tony since Gibbs had come back. Maybe she had already offered him team leadership and he had turned it down, for whatever reason. Tim then realized Tony HAD been offered his own team. He had turned it down, but why?

"Boss, Tony has already been offered his own team once before, hasn't he?" Tim asked.

Kate looked from Tim to Gibbs shocked, but she didn't speak.

Gibbs nodded.

"Why didn't he take it?" Tim asked.

"I wasn't 100% yet. Tony knew that." Gibbs explained. "He didn't want to go off to Mexico and leave me in a lurch. He thought I still needed a little time to get used to being Team Leader again."

"Mexico?" Kate stared at Gibbs. "He was going to go to Mexico."

Gibbs shrugged. "I don't know. We never discussed what he would have done if I had been 100%."

"We made a mistake, Gibbs." Tim admitted. "We made a huge mistake."

"You can't fix it, Tim." Gibb stated. "He won't come back."

"I know." Tim nodded. I know."

THE END


End file.
